Or do they? This and other questions have left mankind in a flap since time immemorial. But never fear, we at Mayhem! can help you. We understand that you need to play it cool in the potential minefield that is ‘the girl question’ – designed to catch you out every time.
But with a little help, you can straighten up and fly right, as we provide you with the foolproof guide to these occasional verbal bombshells – now, pay attention!
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
It’s a tricky one – no easy questions in this game. You’re rumbled – she’s caught you as your gaze drifted off into the middle distance like a monk during a particularly fervent bout
of meditation. Snapping out of your ambient trance, you must never, ever admit to pondering on the traditional male domains of beer, football, or anything inaccessible or incomprehensible to the fairer sex. Instead, tell her you were using a moment of quiet reflection to enjoy her beauty and grace as she sits next to you on the sofa. If, however, trouble in paradise rears its ugly head and you find yourself in even the most trivial of arguments, something along the lines of ‘taking stock of the situation’ may bail you out, without losing track of what caused this lover’s tiff. It might buy you some time, if nothing else.
DO I LOOK FAT?
Out of the frying pan, into the fire. She’s taken you clothes shopping (worth it for brownie points alone, you could argue) and seen jeans she really, really likes. After she’s dragged herself into the changing room and squeezed into the tightest pair she can find, while you do your best to gaze on adoringly, she takes you aside and asks if you think she looks big-boned. Even if she resembles something akin to a hipster Jabba the Hutt, feelings must be taken into account. As she wails theatrically that she must look like Miss Piggy, simply take her hand and tell her that, to you, she’s a vision of heaven. Everyone else in the store might think you’re mad, but true love is blind, and declaring so will convince her that she’s bagged a knight in shining armour, even if you yourself are far from perfect.
IS THAT GIRL MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ME?
Ah, the verbal wrestling match in which your beloved pits herself against some imagined rival for your love and possibly your loins. However your answer to this could leave you looking like the loser of a particularly violent bout, but defuse the situation by trash-talking the competition. Imagining an alternate reality in which you really are with her best mate or ‘her over there in a social setting really isn’t worth it, as it will open up a whole world of pain as she rips you to shreds in all possible senses.
Written by Chris Morley